Contrary to what you’ve likely been told monogamy just isn’t for everybody. It’s not for me… and I honestly wish I would have figured that out a lot sooner. The idea of staring into one person’s eyes and expecting them to be my everything – to satisfy me entirely and forever- is completely ridiculous and creates way too much pressure.
Instead I split my time between multiple partners who each fulfill me in their own way. The nature of my relationships is way less ridged, and is determined dynamically through communication with my partners rather than blind subscription to dogmatic conventions.
Now, non-conventional “open relationships” come in many forms and go by many names. Before we go any deeper lets make sure we’re all using the same words so we understand each other.
First of all what we’re broadly talking about is Consensual Nonmonogamy, which is a fancy way of saying that everyone involved is fully aware that their relationship is not exclusive and they’re fine with that. Cheating doesn’t fit into this category because the person being cheated on is not on board with the nonmonogamy program.
Polyamory on the other hand is a form of relationship with at least two people who mutually agree that they are open to having multiple sexual or romantic partners simultaneously, ideally with full knowledge and consent from everyone involved. Polyamorous relationships are dynamic with structures determined uniquely by the individuals within them. Depending on the needs and desires of the people involved poly relationships can range from two people who occasionally invite a third into their love life, to a house full of people in an interconnected sexual relationship that occasionally breaks out in orgies (or fist fights) – yeah I’ve been there.
It can be helpful to give names to the various practices within polyamory to help clarify exactly what you and your partners are looking for. If you’re more into the idea of sticking with a nearly monogamous relationship between two people, but occasionally inviting other people in for threesomes or other sexual encounters… this is sometimes called being Monogamish.
A Monogamish relationship for the most part looks like a normal monogamous relationship but with a few exceptions. As with all poly relationships the rules structuring the external sexual contact varies by couple. Some allow only one-night stands (no second time with the same person) or only specific kinds of sexual activity (ie. kissing and groping are OK but no intercourse), it could be that a third is only allowed if both parties are there to enjoy her together, and others have time (no more than a week) or location limitations (only when people are traveling or not at home). However it’s structured typically their is little emotional attachment given to those who temporarily compliment your otherwise mostly monogamous love life.
On the other end of the spectrum is Polyfidelity, which is a relationship with three or more people that are essentially all monogamous or sexually exclusive with each other. For example, a relationship between a woman and two heterosexual guys who share her sexually and have a co-spousal or brother like relationship with each other, and none of them are seeing anybody else… that’s an example of polyfidelity.
Polyfidelity starts to push the line towards Polygamy which is most often a situation where a man has multiple wives and everyone is sexually exclusive within that group. Polygamy doesn’t have to be just a man with multiple wives, but that’s a common structure in many cultures so it’s the arrangement most people are familiar with. It could also be a group of lesbians or a blended relationship of men and women who have joined together into an exclusive sexual group with an additional layer of obligation and commitment. Polygamy is basically being group married so at this point it’s not just a casual fun experiment, it’s a serious arrangement for long term social and economic support.
At the exact opposite end of the spectrum is Relationship Anarchy (RA) which is poly arrangement without any central structure or priority placed on any individual partnership. Each romance is considered unique and is structured by each partner according to their personal desires. Typically RA relationships seek to reduce higharchy, and in doing so sex based romantic relationships and platonic friendship are leveled out to have equal importance. Sex becomes an activity that some friends do with each other but it isn’t viewed as the super important bonding agent that society makes it out to be.
Now if you’re open to exploring relationships outside of the typical monogamous setup you’ve got a wide verity of options to chose from. Next step is to find other like minded people and start building those bonds. The best way to start is to make it known that you’re open to alternative lifestyles and see if that catches anybody’s interest.
You’re also going to need to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out if you’re just excited about the idea of it all, or if you can really handle the reality. If you’re the really jealous sort then as fun as all this may sound that’s something you’ll have to work out… Otherwise you’ll obviously be facing struggling as you watch your lover bang someone else.